My journey with Imposter Syndrome
There’s an Imposter AmongUs, and it is ME!
Have you ever experienced that self-doubt? Or thought that maybe I am not good enough for this? Or something like, maybe I don’t even deserve all this which I got?
If not, Congratulations!!!!!! You are amongst the 30% population of the world who have never experienced Imposter Syndrome. Personally, I don’t believe that 30% of the people would have never felt it, but that’s what the data says. But what I do know is that these people do exist. Well, my sister is one of those.
But for all those who have, you might have what is called the Imposter Syndrome. Let me elaborate this for people who don't know about it.
An imposter is a person who pretends to be someone else, basically, a fraud. Imposter syndrome is that feeling in you when you always feel that you are a fraud. You do not deserve to be where you are. And you constantly live with a fear of being exposed. Wikipedia defines Imposter syndrome as
Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents or accomplishments and has a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.
Well, I didn’t know about it until late…….
If I talk about myself, I have been an imposter since, umm.., I can’t even remember, so I would rather say since I was born. I had been a topper all through my academic life, in school as well as in college, but believe me when I say that the results always surprised me because I never believed I could top a class. But when I did, I always wondered what if people found out I am not as good as they think I am. So, to overcompensate that, I would work even harder and made sure I knew more than what was expected of me so that people don’t find out that I am a fraud!!!
That continued in college during placements as well. And I swear I could have done much much better during my internship in Microsoft, and my tenure in Goibibo and Goldman Sachs, which are all such wonderful organizations to work in, hadn’t I always believed that maybe I just got hired because of luck and I don’t actually deserve to be here. I maintained that maybe I just got this offer because I am a ‘girl’ as most people said. What if my colleagues just come up to me and say, “Hey you, we know you are a complete idiot and you don’t belong here. It’s now over and you can go. Tata!!”. Now, when I look back, I feel like a nincompoop for believing that.
It was when I was interviewing for Google and I was done with my 2 rounds which had gone perfectly well, that I got to know about Imposter Syndrome.
It was a Friday and my 3rd round of interview with Google was scheduled on Monday night and I was feeling very nervous about it. I called up a friend and told him how anxious I was and that what would happen if I couldn’t get as lucky as I got in the phone round and the first two rounds. He casually said, “I think that is the Imposter Syndrome talking and not you”. I asked “Imposter what ?”. Yes, before that I didn't know about it all! Just knowing that there is a word for all what I feel and that I am not alone gave a hell lot of relief to me. So, I am not a maniac after all 😛
When I later researched the topic, I realized that there are many many people out there feeling exactly the same way I do. So, to all those, Cheers! 🥂
For me, this has been in no way been restricted to academics and work. This constant thought of maybe I don’t write well enough, or dance well enough, or work out well enough has always been there.
So, where do I stand on this now? Do I still have this syndrome? Yep, yep, rep!
I am not over it yet. Nope. Not at all. And to be honest, I don’t want to let go of it completely. Because deep inside I do feel, that because of this constant fear of being exposed, that I have put my 100%. But since now I am aware of it, I would never allow this mentality of mine to take control over me, rather I feel I can use it to my own benefit.
And this was my story with the Imposter Syndrome. Hope you liked and could somewhat relate to it :)
